To much time, to many emotions, how do you deal with it?

Well today has been one of those days, you know where you feel every emotion possible! It started with a email from a woman that I knew in Hawaii, she was my husband's other woman's friend. She wanted to apologize to me for not telling me the truth when she had the chance. She told me how sorry she was for everything that had happened and for not saying anything. She told me how it was wrong that I was made out to be the villain in the situation and the "other woman" was the victim. Its kind of funny how that happens. I of course told her thanks and excepted her apology and then cried for an hour. See it just doesn't seem to go away. I keep hoping it will but there is always a reminder. So I cry then I get mad at him and then again at her. Because she keeps emailing me....Its great!
Then I try to get it out of my head and move on with my day. Only to find myself on the phone arguing with him one more time over it all. He does his normal--deny it. Seriously I have more than enough information to take to his command and get him in all kinds of trouble because as we all know they frown upon adultery. All I can say is that is a good quality for the marine corp if he would ever get caught he would not give up his information that is for sure! LOL I am seriously searching for something funny in all of this!
Then I talk to his mom and then his dad, because I live with his mom right now. She is great through all of this by the way. I know with time I will get over it but man right now, I do not see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I honestly do not know how woman get past this and trust there husband or anyone again for that matter. I just do not see it.
My only peace of mind is that tomorrow I start a job. Its not the job I want but it is a job. I start tomorrow morning at 0500. Which is a late day for me, it will normally be at 0400. Yep it is freakin early. So my plans are to do this until I find something else. I had an interview on Friday for a job that I really really want. So please pray for me that I get it.

How cute is this?????

Picture this: I am driving down the road, Nathan is in the front seat, Cale is in the back, I get a phone call and I start talking to a friend. Cale starts crying so I ask Nathan to jump in the back seat to calm him down, he does. Cale calms down and I stop talking to my friend, I tell Nathan thanks for the help and when I turn around this is what I find

Healing

To all of those who have been wondering my boys and I are back on the mainland. Things did not turn out like I had planned. We are now busy trying to get settled in to Ray's mom's house and back into a normal routine.
Nathan is enrolled in school and is once again making new friends and having fun, he misses Hawaii and cries to go home alot but with each day I keep telling him it will be easier and we will make it through this.
Cale is getting so big, he is almost 6 months old and he is sitting up, has two teeth, and eats baby food and drinks juice from a cup he has done all of this in the last 3 weeks. I love my boys!
As for me I am hanging in there, I try not to stop because that is when I start thinking about things that I have no control over anymore so I try to stay as busy as possible until I crash hard at night time. LOL.. You all know what I mean too.
I am applying for jobs here and hopefully by next week I will be employed. I really need a job, but am in the progress of trying to get money from Ray.
Hope all is well with everyone talk to you soon

My boys!!!!

My boys are sick... Nathan just came home from a camp and he is so sick. He has no voice, he has a temp and a sore throat. So if you are thinking that it is strep throat then you are right. Yeah! That is going around here too. We have had so many kids come into our clinic with the same kinds of symptoms.

Then there is Cale, he is also running a temp but his is a little different,he has a really bad croupy cough and when I took him to the doctor his X-Rays showed that he had pneumonia in a little pocket, it really did not look as bad as he sounded and then today his doctor called me and said that the culture for RSV came back positive. He sounds so bad, I am doing breathing treatments every 4 hours on him and it seems to be working he is breathing a little easier now at least. He is so miserable, and not to mention this is his first time being sick.
Needless to say I am not getting much sleep. The joys of being a single mommy again......

Words to live by

Well first I would like to say hello to my husband's friends that have been reading my blog and telling him what I have said.... So to you guys HELLLLLLLO!
I was told that I was telling lies by my husband but when asked he couldn't tell me which ones were lies and just because he tells me that I am only writing this because I want the "pity" I can only say no I do not want your pity I just want to get it off of my chest before I loose my freakin mind.... I kind of thought that was the purpose of an online diary....

I would also like to say that I hope he is reading this one too or at least the friend who is telling him this, and yes I know who you are so hello again, that again I will say that I am not without blame in this situation. I have said it before there are always two sides to every story this just happens to be mine. If Ray would stop lying then maybe you too would be able to hear his.
So please do not get me wrong, I guess like him I do not care about his feelings anymore.
It is truly a sad place to be but, it will pass too I am sure....

I will be around soon but for now I may not be able to get online as much. I am planning my trip back to the mainlands. I will keep you posted. Talk to you soon!



I hope you all have a good holiday...



Man I sound a little bitter don't I!

So many mixed emotions

Have you ever felt like you were loosing your mind? i joke around about it alot but now I really feel like I am.
I would love to say things are better but they aren't. I think it just keeps getting worse. Imagine that can you.

First off there are always two sides to every story and I know that Ray is hurting too or he would not be doin what he is. I do understand that. This just happens to be my side...

I do want to say that I am not trying to put my husband down by any means, but the facts tell it all. He is a good man, and he loves his son in his own way. Sometimes we just make mad choices, but he keeps screwing up. I do not know what to think anymore.
I would like to tell you that I don't love him anymore but I do and I know I shouldn't but I do. He has given me every reason to leave and I stay. Why I do not know. I think I am secretly hoping that he will wake up and see what he has done, he can't honestly be happy with her. I think he's rebeling because of having a child of his own now, means he has to grow up and be a man. In reality I know that it will not happen but I am still hanging around.
Its been a very trying week for me. I started a new job, that I love and then I find out at lunch one day that he doesn't want to try, he wants it to be over and he wants a divorce. Can you imagine how I composed myself at work that day. I was a mess, I just asked the girls to please not talk to me or I was going to bawl like a baby as one single tear dripped down my face. I made it through the day until I got into my car and then I lost it. (As I am now) I did want I thought I would never do in my life and that was I called my dad crying, told him everything and said simply "dad I wanna come home!" With tears in his eyes he said then you come home shell we will help you any way we can. I promised myself that no matter how bad life got that I would not do that and I broke and did it. I have now been handed papers for an Early release of dependents and a divorce packet that he gave me, and I just can't bring myself to do anything with them.
I keep telling myself he will not hurt me anymore, and then I let him do it. Why it surprises me and stings so bad, I do not know, I should be more alert of the fact that it is coming. But it always hits me so hard. Funny how we let ourselves do that. I go a little while without talking to him and him not being at home during the night and I think you know it is not worth trying to save this, and then I see him and he starts talking to me and it is so strained to try and talk to him or he will be getting ready to go back out and do his thing with her and it starts to hurt all over again. I fight back the tears hopefully until he leaves then I brake down there are the times that we start talking like tonight and he keeps asking me why aren't you going out tonight I will take Cale with me to base? That hurts so much more than he knows mainly because all of the girls that I do know are married and get this they like to be around there husbands and he likes to be with her too. It just hurts to much to be around that, I am jealous of them and it just hurts to see someone else so happy. So I end up saying its ok, if you want to take Cale for a while you can but I am fine as I fight back tears.
In my head I am screaming get out and stay out. He has made up his mind he doesn't want me and I have to except that right.
I am trying to let him spend time with Cale before/if we leave so I have started just giving him to his daddy and letting him take care of him until he wants to eat then I get him back. He spent all day Friday with him while I was at work. I think that was really good for him. I know he loves Cale very much even if he doesn't show it and I know he doesn't want to miss out on everything with him even if he isn't around while we are here.
The wedge between Nathan and him is so much worse now. Nathan is just too in tune with what is going on with me. I promise you this I have not told Nate anything about what is going on and he has figured it out. It is so sad, Nathan had so many issues of letting Ray in and when he finally did Ray did what he feared the most. I feel so sorry for Nathan. I understand why Nathan feels like Ray is pushing him to the side and wants nothing to do with him because he is really doing that.
I had a friend ask me to lunch today and she told me how she talked to him last night and he told her he wanted me to stay and that he wanted things to work out. I won't get my hopes up only because his actions speak louder than words. I just don't see it.


The sad thing is all he would have to do is try and I would stay............
But for now Cale and I sit alone at home by ourselves once again. You know what is so ironic.... I say that I do not want him here at the house because it is too hard and hurts too much but as soon as he leaves I want him here with me. I understand that makes no sense but I do.



I would also like to tell you that I took Cale to his 2 month well baby check on Friday and he now weighs 11 lbs. 7 oz. He is getting so big and is starting to smile and make all of the baby noises. And for some reason he has started drueling and making bubbles. lol