Well first I would like to say hello to my husband's friends that have been reading my blog and telling him what I have said.... So to you guys HELLLLLLLO!
I was told that I was telling lies by my husband but when asked he couldn't tell me which ones were lies and just because he tells me that I am only writing this because I want the "pity" I can only say no I do not want your pity I just want to get it off of my chest before I loose my freakin mind.... I kind of thought that was the purpose of an online diary....

I would also like to say that I hope he is reading this one too or at least the friend who is telling him this, and yes I know who you are so hello again, that again I will say that I am not without blame in this situation. I have said it before there are always two sides to every story this just happens to be mine. If Ray would stop lying then maybe you too would be able to hear his.
So please do not get me wrong, I guess like him I do not care about his feelings anymore.
It is truly a sad place to be but, it will pass too I am sure....

I will be around soon but for now I may not be able to get online as much. I am planning my trip back to the mainlands. I will keep you posted. Talk to you soon!



I hope you all have a good holiday...



Man I sound a little bitter don't I!

So many mixed emotions

Have you ever felt like you were loosing your mind? i joke around about it alot but now I really feel like I am.
I would love to say things are better but they aren't. I think it just keeps getting worse. Imagine that can you.

First off there are always two sides to every story and I know that Ray is hurting too or he would not be doin what he is. I do understand that. This just happens to be my side...

I do want to say that I am not trying to put my husband down by any means, but the facts tell it all. He is a good man, and he loves his son in his own way. Sometimes we just make mad choices, but he keeps screwing up. I do not know what to think anymore.
I would like to tell you that I don't love him anymore but I do and I know I shouldn't but I do. He has given me every reason to leave and I stay. Why I do not know. I think I am secretly hoping that he will wake up and see what he has done, he can't honestly be happy with her. I think he's rebeling because of having a child of his own now, means he has to grow up and be a man. In reality I know that it will not happen but I am still hanging around.
Its been a very trying week for me. I started a new job, that I love and then I find out at lunch one day that he doesn't want to try, he wants it to be over and he wants a divorce. Can you imagine how I composed myself at work that day. I was a mess, I just asked the girls to please not talk to me or I was going to bawl like a baby as one single tear dripped down my face. I made it through the day until I got into my car and then I lost it. (As I am now) I did want I thought I would never do in my life and that was I called my dad crying, told him everything and said simply "dad I wanna come home!" With tears in his eyes he said then you come home shell we will help you any way we can. I promised myself that no matter how bad life got that I would not do that and I broke and did it. I have now been handed papers for an Early release of dependents and a divorce packet that he gave me, and I just can't bring myself to do anything with them.
I keep telling myself he will not hurt me anymore, and then I let him do it. Why it surprises me and stings so bad, I do not know, I should be more alert of the fact that it is coming. But it always hits me so hard. Funny how we let ourselves do that. I go a little while without talking to him and him not being at home during the night and I think you know it is not worth trying to save this, and then I see him and he starts talking to me and it is so strained to try and talk to him or he will be getting ready to go back out and do his thing with her and it starts to hurt all over again. I fight back the tears hopefully until he leaves then I brake down there are the times that we start talking like tonight and he keeps asking me why aren't you going out tonight I will take Cale with me to base? That hurts so much more than he knows mainly because all of the girls that I do know are married and get this they like to be around there husbands and he likes to be with her too. It just hurts to much to be around that, I am jealous of them and it just hurts to see someone else so happy. So I end up saying its ok, if you want to take Cale for a while you can but I am fine as I fight back tears.
In my head I am screaming get out and stay out. He has made up his mind he doesn't want me and I have to except that right.
I am trying to let him spend time with Cale before/if we leave so I have started just giving him to his daddy and letting him take care of him until he wants to eat then I get him back. He spent all day Friday with him while I was at work. I think that was really good for him. I know he loves Cale very much even if he doesn't show it and I know he doesn't want to miss out on everything with him even if he isn't around while we are here.
The wedge between Nathan and him is so much worse now. Nathan is just too in tune with what is going on with me. I promise you this I have not told Nate anything about what is going on and he has figured it out. It is so sad, Nathan had so many issues of letting Ray in and when he finally did Ray did what he feared the most. I feel so sorry for Nathan. I understand why Nathan feels like Ray is pushing him to the side and wants nothing to do with him because he is really doing that.
I had a friend ask me to lunch today and she told me how she talked to him last night and he told her he wanted me to stay and that he wanted things to work out. I won't get my hopes up only because his actions speak louder than words. I just don't see it.


The sad thing is all he would have to do is try and I would stay............
But for now Cale and I sit alone at home by ourselves once again. You know what is so ironic.... I say that I do not want him here at the house because it is too hard and hurts too much but as soon as he leaves I want him here with me. I understand that makes no sense but I do.



I would also like to tell you that I took Cale to his 2 month well baby check on Friday and he now weighs 11 lbs. 7 oz. He is getting so big and is starting to smile and make all of the baby noises. And for some reason he has started drueling and making bubbles. lol

I'm just so confused

Hello everyone.. I just wanted to share a few photos of my boys from last night. They are getting so big. But blogger would not let me...


So I will tell you all the new happenings. First thank you all so much for your kind words, I think I cried each time I got a new message.

I don't see my family working out. Ray hasn't been home in the last 3 nights and he came home for Halloween and walked with the boys and a group of the neighbors. He wasn't his normal self with me anymore and I stopped myself from crying in front of everyone at least three times. I makes me so mad how he has the power to hurt me so easily. I'm trying so hard to be nice but it doesn't work. I can be mean and trust me I can say mean and hurtful things but then as soon as it comes out of my mouth I feel guilty for saying it and end up beating myself up for saying it then I apologize to him and he doesn't even deserve it. By the time we got home, one of my friends took Nathan home for me because she new it wasn't going to be pretty and knew about what Ray's been doing to me. She was right. We fought for 2 hours. He started with yelling at me because a freaking cupboard was messy. He blames me for his mess and I'm the one that cleans the house and does his laundry. I took it for a little while then lost it on him and explained to him if he was around and could help me maybe it wouldn't be. He never cooks or cleans or helps out around the house. And so on and so on. I told him that if I was that hard to live with then get me the paperwork to get me off the island and I would leave when his mom left (she is coming to see us for Thanksgiving won't that be fun, yeah right) so she could help me on the flight. He was furious with me for saying that and told me that I shouldn't want to take his son away from him, I said your not around him now so what would be the difference. I told him that I didn't deserve to be treated like sh%t and I was tired of it, all he did was put me down and he couldn't say one nice thing about me and I was over it. He couldn't even admit that he wasn't treating me right and it ended with him taking up for the other female. It got so much worse, and he of course started taking up for her and how unfair it was for her that she got accused of having an affair. How it's hard to be a female in the Marines. Yeah right, they are all spreading their legs anyways(obviously), with other peoples husbands. I told him once again, if it was as innocent as he says then he would of done so many thing different. I explained to him that the fact that he feels like he needs to protect her and not me, his wife said so much about there situation. Since he got into trouble with his command he has been denying anything with her before he denied nothing.
After I thought he could say nothing to me that would hurt any worse than he already has, he found some things. I can't even begin to tell you things he said to me. He tried to "build me up with all the good things about me and ended it with but its just not enough, you don't want to "go anywhere with me" plus more. Trust me I want out of this house, but what am I to do, leave the kids at home alone so I can do them? I do not like leaving my kids with people. He suggested one of his friends watching them, but I don't trust his friends. It is our responsiblity to take care of them not someone else so I can go out. I asked him if he wanted to set up a date night so we could go out together for a few hours, he said that's not the same its too planned out that way. He acts like he is a teenager again. Its so odd to see him act like this. He honestly wasn't like this before. He was the one that always included Nathan in everything we did.


It ended with me saying look you have already made up your mind so there is nothing that I can say to you. You are just keeping me around for Cale and so if maybe you go to Iraq again you will have someone here waiting on you when you get home. His reply was I just do not know what to do I am afraid if we end things then I will regret it and see that I have made the biggest mistake of my life, but then what if its not. I walked away saying Ray what do you want me to say to you, that is just the chance you will have to take. You can't have both you have to choose one that is how it works when your an adult.

I feel so numb and empty, I cried pretty much all night long. I just do not know what to do. Do I go or do I stay? He treats me like sh%t. He has given me no reason to stay and every reason to go but why is it that I stay? Am I trying to just keep getting hurt? This hurts really bad and I can't breathe at times.




Oh on a happier subject I started my new job and I love it!!!!!!!