Hello everyone.. I just wanted to share a few photos of my boys from last night. They are getting so big. But blogger would not let me...
So I will tell you all the new happenings. First thank you all so much for your kind words, I think I cried each time I got a new message.
I don't see my family working out. Ray hasn't been home in the last 3 nights and he came home for Halloween and walked with the boys and a group of the neighbors. He wasn't his normal self with me anymore and I stopped myself from crying in front of everyone at least three times. I makes me so mad how he has the power to hurt me so easily. I'm trying so hard to be nice but it doesn't work. I can be mean and trust me I can say mean and hurtful things but then as soon as it comes out of my mouth I feel guilty for saying it and end up beating myself up for saying it then I apologize to him and he doesn't even deserve it. By the time we got home, one of my friends took Nathan home for me because she new it wasn't going to be pretty and knew about what Ray's been doing to me. She was right. We fought for 2 hours. He started with yelling at me because a freaking cupboard was messy. He blames me for his mess and I'm the one that cleans the house and does his laundry. I took it for a little while then lost it on him and explained to him if he was around and could help me maybe it wouldn't be. He never cooks or cleans or helps out around the house. And so on and so on. I told him that if I was that hard to live with then get me the paperwork to get me off the island and I would leave when his mom left (she is coming to see us for Thanksgiving won't that be fun, yeah right) so she could help me on the flight. He was furious with me for saying that and told me that I shouldn't want to take his son away from him, I said your not around him now so what would be the difference. I told him that I didn't deserve to be treated like sh%t and I was tired of it, all he did was put me down and he couldn't say one nice thing about me and I was over it. He couldn't even admit that he wasn't treating me right and it ended with him taking up for the other female. It got so much worse, and he of course started taking up for her and how unfair it was for her that she got accused of having an affair. How it's hard to be a female in the Marines. Yeah right, they are all spreading their legs anyways(obviously), with other peoples husbands. I told him once again, if it was as innocent as he says then he would of done so many thing different. I explained to him that the fact that he feels like he needs to protect her and not me, his wife said so much about there situation. Since he got into trouble with his command he has been denying anything with her before he denied nothing.
After I thought he could say nothing to me that would hurt any worse than he already has, he found some things. I can't even begin to tell you things he said to me. He tried to "build me up with all the good things about me and ended it with but its just not enough, you don't want to "go anywhere with me" plus more. Trust me I want out of this house, but what am I to do, leave the kids at home alone so I can do them? I do not like leaving my kids with people. He suggested one of his friends watching them, but I don't trust his friends. It is our responsiblity to take care of them not someone else so I can go out. I asked him if he wanted to set up a date night so we could go out together for a few hours, he said that's not the same its too planned out that way. He acts like he is a teenager again. Its so odd to see him act like this. He honestly wasn't like this before. He was the one that always included Nathan in everything we did.
It ended with me saying look you have already made up your mind so there is nothing that I can say to you. You are just keeping me around for Cale and so if maybe you go to Iraq again you will have someone here waiting on you when you get home. His reply was I just do not know what to do I am afraid if we end things then I will regret it and see that I have made the biggest mistake of my life, but then what if its not. I walked away saying Ray what do you want me to say to you, that is just the chance you will have to take. You can't have both you have to choose one that is how it works when your an adult.
I feel so numb and empty, I cried pretty much all night long. I just do not know what to do. Do I go or do I stay? He treats me like sh%t. He has given me no reason to stay and every reason to go but why is it that I stay? Am I trying to just keep getting hurt? This hurts really bad and I can't breathe at times.
Oh on a happier subject I started my new job and I love it!!!!!!!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
Find YOURSELF with out him. DEFINE YOURSELF. He sees that he is your everything. Make him see you for you not the mom or wife but YOU. You do need nights alone. You are not only a mother, you need time for him, he might feel like he's been pushed away since the baby has come, it seems childish but guys do go through it. They want and need attention too. We tend to lose ourselves in the everyday. Your job could be the first step. Show him that you can live without him. Try not to fight don't give into him. If he says nasty things to you just walk away. It hurts like hell but you have to be the ADULT, (if he is the teenager), and don't reply. Your are a strong woman.
Its sad to look back on what I went through. He broke me down so much but I stood tall. I did find things about myself that I needed to change, it wasn't easy to see it. I did get confidence from the whole experience. I finally felt after all the pain and hard work that I WANTED to be with my husband, it wasn't that I NEEDED him.
And no God isn't PUTTING you through this to be mean.
Sometimes we need to be broken so we can build ourselves stronger. He is there for you for strength, so pray to him.
my heart goes out to you.
Vanessa
Your staying because you love him. Someone can hurt us over & over again but for some reason we still love them. Michelle, when I hear you talk about the things he says to you it's like hearing a relationship I had when I was 16. So your right he needs to grow up! I wish so badly I could help you more! You can't have anyone tell you to stay or go. That's all up to you. Really think about it. Is it all worth it? Your in my prayers Michelle. Please stay strong. Remember he crushed the realtionship not you! Now, it's just up to you if your gonna let him crush you. I KNOW your better than that!!!!
I can't say if God wants you to stay, that's up to you to decide one way or the other. I do know that God doesn't want us miserable. Of course we also have to go through trials and tribulations so that we can grow in Him too. You have to listen to what God is telling you to do, only you know what is being put on your heart to do. I wish we could help you more, but you are always in my prayers.
On the happier note, congratulations on your job!
I feel so sad for you. I wish I was there to give you a BIG Hug. Our prayers are with you.
God has the answer for you. Remember to P.U.S.H.
PRAY UNTIL SOMETHING HAPPENS...
May God bless you,Michelle.Love you lots and can't stand for you to hurt so much.
Love and lots of Prayers
I just discovered your blog - referred from Mel's bog - and my heart is breaking for you...and at the same time praising the Lord because I KNOW that He will prove Himself faithful to you.
I was once in nearly the sqme position as you are now. Twenty-four years old, married to a marine I loved, stationed in Hawaii, with an older child (6) and a new baby, and my marine was spending his nights out on the town. Like your marine, he bought into the lies of the enemy of his soul, too. I had no easy way off the island, either. (Today I thank God for that fact.)
My pastor showed me I had to choose...I could leave him, having the scriptural reasons to do so...or I could stay. It was my choice. No one made it for me, just as no one could/should make it for you.
I loved him, I hurt like h***, and I didn't understand why the Lord would allow this to happen. "Why does he get away with this and I have to pay the price?!" My decision was to stay with him and trust the Lord to work in ME while I left my marine in His faithful hands.
It was easily the most painful time of my life, and it seemed to go on forever, but it was also the most rewarding time in learning to really KNOW Christ and the power of His resurrection in my own life. He became to me my all in all and that has not changed to this day.
Choosing to stay meant that I was not only choosing to trust the Lord to get me through it but I was choosing to get through it in a manner that honored the Lord...in a manner that told the truth about the power of Christ in me, my hope of glory. I was choosing to be a godly wife whether or not he chose to be a godly husband. I was choosing to walk in the knowledge of all that the Lord had forgiven ME of...and I was choosing to recognize that I had done nothing to deserve that forgiveness, it was all because of the blood of Christ. And that was the ONLY reason I could choose to forgive my marine...I was choosing to forgive him because the blood of Christ was payment enough for me as it is enough for God.
I learned that it was okay to hurt, it was okay to cry (the Lord bottles our tears), but it was not okay to berate my marine, not okay to forget to pray for him, not okay for me to expose his daily sins to others, not okay to think that I could never do to him what he did to me (I often thought of the possibility of finding comfort in the arms of some guy who would "really" care about me)...Above all else, I learned through experience that our Lord really, really is faithful, He really does never leave us, the deep waters we go through will not overwhelm us if we hold tight to Him, keeping our eyes on Him, keeping out hearts and minds on things above, entrusting ourselves to Him who loves us beyond anything we can measure.
Turns out, it was also the most painful time of my marine's life (and he's a two time Viet vet.) He literally tried suicide three times. His battle with the enemy was far worse than anyone could see from the outside. Am I making excuses for him? Absolutely not. Everyone has choices. We just don't get to choose the consequences of our decisions.
How did our story turn out? We celebrated our 33rd anniversary this year.
Whatever choice you make, making the decision to abandon yourself completely to the care of the Lord who will never leave you nor forsake you is the best thing you can do for yourself and for your children.
Kathleen
I am not with you physically but I am with you.
We all hear you and we are all here to give you the strength and you much needed pal. Having a joy you love is the first step, stay focus and stay strong for your boys.
Like what the rest of the pals said here, show him your strength and see if things would work out.
Take care.
Post a Comment