Wednesday, June 27, 2007

I can't sleep

Its only 11:30 but I can not seem to make myself lay down. Ray is out with the guys tonight and has not made it home. Am I annoyed by that? Normally no but tonight I am. I think it is just my current mood but I am so frustrated with him.. Lets just call it hormones shall we.

Have you ever had one of those days that you can't seem to make your mind stop working or thinking about a certain subject? I am having one of those days. I sit and I remember when I lived in WV and it was just Nathan and I, and we lived in a little apartment and we did not have much but we were both happy, and I wasn't always stressed out and here is the saddest part, I love being with my son, he didn't get on my nerves, I wasn't short with him and we just had fun, just the two of us. Then we moved to FL and things got harder and then I started feeling stressed all the time, and I was always worried about something, you know like how am I going to pay this bill or what am I going to do with Nathan this summer when daycare is outrageous and the killer was always my son deserves better how am I ever going to support him.

Its funny how we beat ourselves up isn't. Please don't get me wrong, I love my son very much and I love spending time with him, its just seems like when I get stressed out like that I want to just be all alone, I seclude myself and I feel myself shutting down emotionally. I am still there and I smile like nothing is wrong, but I have a blank screen on my side of the picture, I just disappear!

So here we are 5 years later and I find myself thinking I want to be back there, I want to find out how I can be that person again. I don't want to hear mom are you mad at me for something. I want to be someone who is full of life and enjoys herself truly and its not just Michelle putting on an act so everyone will think she is happy and got it together because that is no where close to what I am on the inside. I want to be someone who doesn't stress out about money issues so easily, I want to be the person who loves her kids and wants to do stupid stuff with them and not feel as if it is just one more piece of me being taken away.

I feel like such a horrible person for even voices these things I love my son and I love my husband and I feel like I do not deserve another child, what if I hurt him too? I know that I have hurt Nathan and he knows that something is wrong with me (that I am not happy like I was) and I do not have to even tell him, he sees through the smiles. I should say probably say that I am not always this stressed out and there are alot of times that I truly enjoy spending time with my son; and I am very happy with my husband and we all keep moving forward.

Wow don't I sound like a fruit cake! If you thought that I was a normal sane person before, well now you know the secret is out of the bag, I am a freak in disguise!

LOL... I am sorry for the meltdown, I just needed to get some random thoughts out of my head before I drive myself crazy.

On a funnier note, this is what Nathan told me tonight on the way home from Wal-Mart.
He was telling me about a friend of his whose grandparents spilt up and then all of a sudden his grandpa is gay and has a boyfriend that he lives with. He was very intrigued by all of this and thought it was a little odd but he was Ok with the thought, then he gets real quiet and says in a very serious voice, "mom I sure hope if grandma and grandpa get a divorce that grandpa doesn't turn gay!" I almost choked on my gum. It was so funny, he was so serious. My parents are no where near getting a divorce, they never fight and just the thought of him saying that was too much for me. I truly needed that laugh. I can't wait to call my dad tomorrow and tell him this one.

I'm not sure if I should say thanks for listening or I hope you didn't read this!
Goodnight!

Monday, June 25, 2007



June 25: What was your favorite baby item that you could not live without?

My favorite baby item was the old cloth diapers. We used them for his burp rags, his bibs at times. He was a very messy eater and the cute little bibs that they had then just were not enough. I went through so many of those things before he got a litter neater, now I can honestly say that whenever I go to a baby shower, I include those as one of my gifts.

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I would just like to say that we had the nicest weekend. It was so relaxing, on Saturday we got together with some of Ray's friends on base and went to Shark's Cove to go snorkeling, well they did the snorkeling and I did the basting in the sun thing, but it was very nice. The guys/girls had a good time snorkeling they got to see alot of sea turtles and lets not forget the jumping off the huge rocks into the water, I sat and watched from a distance and prayed that what my son hit would be water and water alone. (See I could not see what they were jumping into only that they were jumping, it was too dangerous for me to try to climb to the top)LOL.. But they all had fun and Nathan was so excited about the day. The only down side to the trip was that I got bit my a crab on my bottom while sitting on the rocks in the water! No joke the crab came up out of one of the holes I was blocking and pinched me, of course I jumped off the rocks and told everyone and no one believed me until they saw the crab run away and lets just say the crab was very kind to me because he could of hurt me with those things he had! He was too big for comfort! Then afterwards everyone came over to our house and we barbecued and had a nice little dinner to finish off the evening.
On Sunday I skipped church and slept in, while Ray and a bunch of the guys chartered a boat and went deep sea fishing. Nathan and I hung out here at the house and played games and went for a walk, that kind of stuff while they were gone, it gave us a little mommy and me time. The boys had so much fun and I got a phone call when they were like an hour from coming back in saying "please bring your camera we caught a big one." I laughed and said sure thinking this is going to be some BIG fish story that we get to hear. So we get there and they pull out this!

this "big fish" ended up being a 250+ yellow fin tuna! Holy cow. It makes all of the other fish look so little and the littlest one weighed 23lbs. By the way just in case your wondering the smalles fish that they caught is the size of fish that the big tuna was eating on! How crazy is that! They were all so proud! Since all fo the other guys lived in the barracks and just Ray lived out in town they did not keep the big fish they gave it to the guy who chartered the boat (since that was too much fish for them) and he took it to the market and ended up getting like 500 bucks for the meat off that thing! Isn't that crazy! The local restaurants are eating the tuna that they caught. LOL... Everyone was going crazy over this fish, I think every man within a 5 mile radius showed up to look at this thing, and all the while I was trying to hold my cookies because of the smell of the fish! They cut the other fish up right there for them and I wish I had pictures of what was there to eat the left overs (they just tossed it in the water) but I didn't not want to get that close to the smells. I think for me the worst part of the whole thing was watching my 11 year old son eat the fish that they had just sliced for him right there on the dock! They all loved it and said how good it was and I learning that this is a pretty common thing to do, I think my problem is that I just like my sushi on a nice plate of cabbage! We ended up letting the boys go home and take showers while my next door neighbors, who I love so much for this, helped me fix most of the fish Hawaiian style and we invited the boys and some of my neighbors friends who we know real well for a wonderful dinner! The guys loved it, we had everything from a salad (for me) all the toppings and raw, baked, fried, and grilled fish to poke (pokee) which is a raw fish mixture that the locals love here! The marines are not used to the Hawaiian culture so much because they only see the tourist side of it so it was nice to see them interact with the neighbors, they were like sponges taking in everything and asking all the questions like what is in this again? Like I said everyone had such a good time and we had so much left over fish that we are doing it again this weekend, with the crab and shrimp and some dishes that just plain scare me to look at! LOL
Then as if that wasn't enough this morning at 7 am the man across the street knocked on our door and said hey put on your suits were are going to the sand bar on the boat so come on lets go! And we did, we spent the entire morning out in the middle of no where, you take a boat out in the ocean and then all of a sudden there is one big patch of sand, the kids had so much fun, his wife and sat on the beach and played with there littlest one Joe, who is 2 while Rick and the Nathan and Jake (who is 4) went snorkeling and all kinds of stuff! If you ask the boys what was the coolest part they both say the puffer fish that they got too see! Go figure! The only bad thing is Ray has been wanting to go out the sandbar but we have not been able too so I had to call him while he was at work and tell him sorry I would not be there for lunch because I am on the island that you want to come see, he goes your with Rick and them aren't you and I said uh huh! You could tell he was jealous that were did that without him, I felt bad! But he went fishing without me right! LOL. Does that justify it? (He seriously was OK just not happy about being at work on Monday right!)
So that is it that was my weekend, it may have been busy for some but oh my goodness was it fun!
Now I just need sleep!

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

My daily events

I have been so busy that I have not been able to stop for a minute and say hello to you....

It has been one crazy adventure after the next! Last Friday in between all of the contractions that I was having I found a job posting for the base that hubby is stationed at and it sounded really good, so I sent them my resume, stupid right, since I am 2 months away from birth here. But I did, then hubby calls and says those dreaded words "family day at the beach bring your suit and towels and meet me out there at noon!" Which means his company is having another picnic and they want family there, which also means he new and forgot to tell me until last minute. Gotta love that! So I load Nathan up in the car with all of the stuff that we needed, like towels, water, snorkel, fins, goggles, shoes, boogie board and the sunblock..... We get there and of course Nathan is the only kid there, as usual. So there goes my son with all of the marines, playing in the water, wrestling around, and hanging out as if he is one of the big guys. It is kind of funny and to be honest Nathan is in his element with them. I believe that sometimes he gets along much better with adults than he does with kids his own age and for that I feel guilty. Does this mean that I have robbed him of his childhood by surrounding him by adults? I had him at such a young age and when I go and spend time with my friends, there kids are either much younger or they still do not have any, which for the most case is the situation with the guys that Ray works with. As I have said before the guys are really good with Nathan and he has a blast when he is with them. I just get to spend my day saying "Nathan stop!, Don't do that!, Would you stop hitting him please!, Please leave them alone!" Then when I am looking in the other directions the big boys attack Nathan again. So I am seriously fighting a loosing battle here! LOL Ray just ends up telling me that when they are tired of playing with him they will let him know but until them let the big boys enjoy there time, they don't get to act like this unless Nathan is around them. Which only makes me laugh because when you look at those marines they are really having fun with him, at one point it was my 11 year old son and 5 men ranging from the ages of 21-28 out int he water playing what looked like monkey in the middle. All I could do was laugh..... BOYS! Later that night we took Nathan to the Planet Hollywood restaurant with some friends, the boys including Nathan rode the bikes to the restaurant. I would like to add that it rained on the way there so not only did the girls hear them laughing but got to sit beside them in the restaurant all wet! I was not impressed with the food, I think that it was over priced for the quality of food, it was definitely for the name and atmosphere and not the food.

Remember the contractions that I said I was having on Friday well the followed me to Saturday as well! We ended up spending most of our day working on the yard. Which was not much fun for Nathan, it is his job to mow the yard and he thought that it was going to be fun, until he had to mow for the first time. LOL. It didn't take long for him to figure out that it was not much fun for him. LOL. Then we decided to go for a ride to the other side of the island. Most of you can remember the show Magnum PI. Well it was filmed on this island, and you can still see there house and the helipad that they used, so we went to see if we could find the house, we did and I was so sad to see it, they lady who apparently owns the land has not taken very good care of it and it is really run down. It was kind of sad to see. It was high tide so we could not walk up the beach and see the land from there so we left a little disappointed. But it was still kind of neat to be able to say I have been there, we then went on up the road and went the the Sea Life Adventure Park, it is the Park that was in the Adam Sandler movie, 50 first Dates, it was also filmed on this island. It too was not what I expected. It was so small. Still neat to say I have been there! LOL.... Neither place was exciting enough to take any pictures of so I am sorry I have nothing to share! We ended up having a good day even though it was not what we expected.

On Sunday we decided to go to one of the little air force bases to see there beaches there and it was alot of fun... The one thing I have noticed here and I do not like, is that everything is dirty, like the beaches that the locals go to.... On your way into the base, there is alot of places that are open to the public and you can camp on the beach and so on, but the problem is there was so much trash there, it was along the fence line and so on, it was like they had this beautiful beach and all they did was trash it, but as soon as you crossed the gate, everything was clean and beautiful. We enjoyed our late afternoon there, I was still having contractions and not really in the mood to swim so there was this little channel that went way back in the woods, so we walked in the water and went way back in there which was very relaxing and alot of fun, then Ray when out in the ruff waves and tried to snorkel a little bit, which was kind of funny to watch the water was just to bad.
We were told that Kaneohe Bay has the best beaches on the island and so far I do believe that. The locals are always complaining because they are not allowed to use them and I can understand why it is frustrating to them. We have everything in one spot, one beach is the sound side, with little waves (great for kids), then you have the beach that is great for surfing, then one that is good for boogie boards, then the ones that you can go snorkeling on. It is really nice.

So by Monday I was tired and not looking forward to doing anything since the contractions were getting worse and my back was killing me, so I tried to take it easy. Remember that job I applied for, well they called me and told me that they really wanted me, it is basically a desk job on base in the pediatric clinic, I would still be nursing and get the Monday-Friday 8-5 hours, it is close to the house and it would be great for when after the baby is born, because either one of us could take the kids to daycare/baby sitter, since it is on base!!! The pay was great and I do not have to get a Hawaii State license with this job, so that is less money I have to worry about spending. Not to mention the amount of money that they will be putting in my 401K monthly is amazing. It is truly a job that I do not want to pass up! I texted Ray and told him all of this and then asked him what I should do, he said if I wanted it to take it, so I did! They offered it to me on the spot without seeing me and I told them that I was pregnant too and would need time off of work. I kind of freaked out and was shocked, you know that "did this just happen" kind of thing! So I called Ray back and let him know, then went and did all of my errands. I came back home and while I was cutting my son's hair, I thought that my water had just broken, I kind of freaked out and long story short, a hospital visit later I found out that my cervix was still closed and I have a very bad bladder infection and I am starting to go into preterm labor. Remember I just excepted that job! Holy Cow!

Tuesday I go see my OB doctor and they do all the tests that I needed like the glucose tolerance test, the H&H, and Lipid Profile Panel. Which is simply, too see if I am a diabetic, to check my iron level, and to see if I am spilling any protein and how much liver is functioning. If that helps at all.. I tell the PA about the visit to the ER and she then starts running more tests. I am not in preterm labor, which makes me feel better and my cervix is still closed so baby is not trying to come out soon! But and yes there was a big oh BUT she checked my amniotic fluid counts and I have very little fluid to protect the baby. So that means that I am in trouble with that. You need to be between 9-20 on the scale and I am barely a 9. So she freaked out on me and I have instructions to drink all kinds of water. Then come back in one week! She had me pretty nervous and then I come home and start reading up on this and find out why. I knew the obvious reasons, no room for baby to move around, no cushion in case of trauma and so on. But what I did not know is that it means, that your child has a birth defect, like something wrong with the heart, or no kidneys or blocked urinary tract and so on. They have told me that the chambers in the heart look good and no one has said anything else. So now I am so frustrated that I have researched this a little more, the only good thing I have found is that they can sometime correct the problem with fluids which has made me even more eager to drink more water and that this is the reason for all the contractions!

So there we have it, that has been me in a nutshell these last couple of days. I feel like I am going crazy sometimes, and I would really like just one normal OB appointment please. LOL. I know things will be ok and I know that my life is in God's hands and I truly think that this is the only reason I can still laugh at this. I know in the long run we will be OK this is just a bump in the road.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Mommy Talk June 18th.

June 18: How were your first few weeks at home? Sleeping, eating habits? Any baby blues/post-partum issues?

My first few weeks at home were spent without Nathan. He decided to stay at the hospital a little while longer (like 6 weeks longer). I stayed at the Ronald McDonald House which was across the parking lot from the hospital. But when he did get to come home the baby blues were long gone and the sleep deprivation was still there. I had to do feedings every 3 hours, which were mandatory and he only 30 minutes to eat 2 ounces. Which sometimes he could not do... It was fun to say the least, he also had the apnea issue, so he could not suck and breathe at the same time. Which led to alot of praying and me trying not to freak out when he would turn blue on me. I never had to do CPR on him but it came really close to it a couple of times. I would flick his feet to startle him into breathing and then he would cry and the process would start all over again. I look back now and laugh at that but at the time it was not so funny as you can imagine.

Monday, June 11, 2007

New Friends, Old Friends sometimes means new hurts and old hurts!

When we lived back on the east coast, I had a job and I absolutely loved the girls that I worked with. There were 3 of them and we did so much together outside of work and so on. I loved them and I was so close to one of them I told her everything. Then I found out that we were getting stationed out here and we went to Florida to visit family before we left. Things were fine when I left and when I got back Nathan got sick and I had to stay at home with him a couple more days so I was not there, I called to see how my friend was doing and she was so short with me, I could not understand why but I didn't pay any attention to it. I returned to work a couple days later and she was still not being herself around me. Then all of a sudden the other two were acting just the same, so I ended up spending my last 2 weeks of work by myself. I got the cold shoulder from all of them and then they became down right rude to me, which in the long run, only made it easier for me to leave them...

I ended up just leaving as early as I could and so on, I would normally confront the situation but with everything that was happening at work and at home I just did not have the energy. I did email the girl and asked her what I did to her and what I could do to make it right. Which is normal for me. She never responded, so I left it at that. Then this week she emails me and tells me that it is in the past and she does not want to bring it up but she feels that I lied to her and again she said that she does not want to talk about it. The sad thing is that I did not lie to her about anything but at the same time, I feel like I have to respect her wishes, so I just emailed her back and told her that again I was sorry and so on.... It so frustrating, and not to mention that it hurts.

Mommy Talk Question for June 11th

What was it like going home from the hospital for you? Did your baby have any medical issues?


Well I think that you have already been told the answer to this question. but just in case, I will say it again... Nathan was born 2 months early and only weighed 3 lbs. and did not get to come home when I did... I came home 8 days after I had him and it was the worst time of my life, I lived 45 minutes from the hospital that he was at and the Ronald McDonald House was full and I was on the waiting list to get a room there so I could be closer. So my mom and I made the trip everyday and stayed until they told me that I had to leave. LOL.. I eventually got a room at the Ronald McDonald House and Nathan came home 6 weeks after he was born.

I look back and even though there was nothing normal about my pregnancy with Nathan I would never change any of it, it definitely molded me into the person that I am today!

Thursday, June 07, 2007

I feel like all I do is complain and I hate that. So thank you for listening to me whine...


I am now looking for a job. I still do not know if someone will hire me when my due date is so close and then there is the question of will I be able to work up until the due date. As of now I feel fine, like I could work and it wouldn't be a problem. I know I could definitely handle working part time...

I do have a question I do not know if any of you have ever been on craigslist or not, if not it is kind of like eBay but you do not have to be the highest bidder to win, you just have to be first to call or email the person about the item. LOL! Well they also have a employment section on there and you can work from home doing data entry processing, which sounds good but I am afraid to do this. Is it real or is it worth my time, and they do not hold out taxes you have to do that and I am afraid of getting scammed. But then again how do you know if you are not willing to at least try....

Let me know if anyone else has tried these kinds of things before.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Getting caught up on my Mommy Talk!



So since I have been without the Internet for a while, I thought that I would answer all the questions that I did not get too answer as well! By the way I have missed my computer while it was gone.... Its actually pretty sad how attached I am too this thing. LOL

May 21:
Baby Names on your list...
What name did you chose, and why?


This is so easy for me! LOL. With my first son I knew right away that I was having a boy, I could just feel it and I knew that I wanted a Christian name for him. I quickly came up with the first name Nathaniel but the middle name was a little harder. I didn't want it to be a very common name and I had thought of names like James, Allen and so on and then my mom said to be me one why don't you use your brother's middle name? The more I thought about the more I kind of liked it. My parents named my oldest brother Gary Wayne and he goes by Gary and then my little brother was Barry Wayne and he goes by Wayne. So my son became Nathaniel Wayne and he goes by Nathan or Nate! But if you would talk to his doctors when he was little they all called him "Nat" because he only weighed 3 lbs. and was 15 inches long and the name Nathaniel was just too big for him.

Now as for the second one it was decided for me. LOL. As soon as hubby found out that I was pregnant he started telling me that it was a boy, he was right, I was hoping for a girl... But he then told me one night while laying in bed that if it is a boy that he would like to name him Joseph Cale. Joseph is his father's first name and his as well. The name Cale is just something he liked. I understood why he wanted Joseph to be his first name and I was OK with that but Cale took a little while to get used too. I like it now and even though my due date isn't until September our child has his name picked out for him...

May 28Th
What was your favorite maternity "could not do without" items?
(pictures are always welcome :) )


I really do not know what my favorite item would of been with my first pregnancy. Does a toilet count? LOL. I was so sick with Nathan and I think I spent the majority of my time with the toilet. No joke....

So far with my second pregnancy the thing I like the most is shorts with elastic.... I did not get very big with Nathan because he was so early and not to mention all the bed rest I spent most of my time in PJs. But with this one, anything remotely tight across my tummy kills me... NO buttons, No zippers, just elastic please! The baby is so active that he moves around so much and I need something that will move with me... I know it is sad but it is the truth....

June 4th
Birth Story
(include photos, or whatever else you would like)


My first pregnancy was not much fun for me. Like I said he was early and it came with alot of complications and alot of doctors telling you that your baby only has a 45% chance of making it and you will probably will not get to see him because they will have to take him to the other room to work on him and so on.... And not to mention I was 18 and his father had decided he didn't want to be a part of our lives. I had 3 days of labor that was induced. With no pain meds and I thought I was doing fine, but the doctor kept trying to get me to take the epidural and he convinced me that it was a good idea by saying that I could be in labor for 3 more days I decided that he was on to something. LOL... I gave birth to Nathan before the thing kicked in which was pretty funny. They think that making me sit up (I wasn't allowed to move because of my blood pressure)was all I needed... Go figure! After 3 simple pushes I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. He was 15 inches long and weighed 3 lbs even like I had said before... His APGAR's were 9 both times. The highest score is 10. So he did very well and the only problems that he had were, apnea, he couldn't suck and breathe at the same time, and he had a hypospadius. Which have nothing to do with him being early... We came home from the hospital a month later with a apnea monitor and a very tight feeding schedule and was told that he would grow out of the apnea and that he would learn to suck and breathe on his own... The hypospauis repair and hydrocele repair were both corrected with surgery when he was 10 months old. I know that sounds really dreary but it is such a long story and that was just a preview of the tale... I love my son and would do it all over again but I will be honest, it scared me to death and I was so afraid to get pregnant again for fear that the same thing would happen again. I waited 11 years before getting pregnant and hope this one turns out better.

My second pregnancies has had a few bumps but it is nothing like my last one and I was even told at my last appointment that she thinks I have somewhat of a chance of having a semi-normal pregnancy.