So many mixed emotions

Have you ever felt like you were loosing your mind? i joke around about it alot but now I really feel like I am.
I would love to say things are better but they aren't. I think it just keeps getting worse. Imagine that can you.

First off there are always two sides to every story and I know that Ray is hurting too or he would not be doin what he is. I do understand that. This just happens to be my side...

I do want to say that I am not trying to put my husband down by any means, but the facts tell it all. He is a good man, and he loves his son in his own way. Sometimes we just make mad choices, but he keeps screwing up. I do not know what to think anymore.
I would like to tell you that I don't love him anymore but I do and I know I shouldn't but I do. He has given me every reason to leave and I stay. Why I do not know. I think I am secretly hoping that he will wake up and see what he has done, he can't honestly be happy with her. I think he's rebeling because of having a child of his own now, means he has to grow up and be a man. In reality I know that it will not happen but I am still hanging around.
Its been a very trying week for me. I started a new job, that I love and then I find out at lunch one day that he doesn't want to try, he wants it to be over and he wants a divorce. Can you imagine how I composed myself at work that day. I was a mess, I just asked the girls to please not talk to me or I was going to bawl like a baby as one single tear dripped down my face. I made it through the day until I got into my car and then I lost it. (As I am now) I did want I thought I would never do in my life and that was I called my dad crying, told him everything and said simply "dad I wanna come home!" With tears in his eyes he said then you come home shell we will help you any way we can. I promised myself that no matter how bad life got that I would not do that and I broke and did it. I have now been handed papers for an Early release of dependents and a divorce packet that he gave me, and I just can't bring myself to do anything with them.
I keep telling myself he will not hurt me anymore, and then I let him do it. Why it surprises me and stings so bad, I do not know, I should be more alert of the fact that it is coming. But it always hits me so hard. Funny how we let ourselves do that. I go a little while without talking to him and him not being at home during the night and I think you know it is not worth trying to save this, and then I see him and he starts talking to me and it is so strained to try and talk to him or he will be getting ready to go back out and do his thing with her and it starts to hurt all over again. I fight back the tears hopefully until he leaves then I brake down there are the times that we start talking like tonight and he keeps asking me why aren't you going out tonight I will take Cale with me to base? That hurts so much more than he knows mainly because all of the girls that I do know are married and get this they like to be around there husbands and he likes to be with her too. It just hurts to much to be around that, I am jealous of them and it just hurts to see someone else so happy. So I end up saying its ok, if you want to take Cale for a while you can but I am fine as I fight back tears.
In my head I am screaming get out and stay out. He has made up his mind he doesn't want me and I have to except that right.
I am trying to let him spend time with Cale before/if we leave so I have started just giving him to his daddy and letting him take care of him until he wants to eat then I get him back. He spent all day Friday with him while I was at work. I think that was really good for him. I know he loves Cale very much even if he doesn't show it and I know he doesn't want to miss out on everything with him even if he isn't around while we are here.
The wedge between Nathan and him is so much worse now. Nathan is just too in tune with what is going on with me. I promise you this I have not told Nate anything about what is going on and he has figured it out. It is so sad, Nathan had so many issues of letting Ray in and when he finally did Ray did what he feared the most. I feel so sorry for Nathan. I understand why Nathan feels like Ray is pushing him to the side and wants nothing to do with him because he is really doing that.
I had a friend ask me to lunch today and she told me how she talked to him last night and he told her he wanted me to stay and that he wanted things to work out. I won't get my hopes up only because his actions speak louder than words. I just don't see it.


The sad thing is all he would have to do is try and I would stay............
But for now Cale and I sit alone at home by ourselves once again. You know what is so ironic.... I say that I do not want him here at the house because it is too hard and hurts too much but as soon as he leaves I want him here with me. I understand that makes no sense but I do.



I would also like to tell you that I took Cale to his 2 month well baby check on Friday and he now weighs 11 lbs. 7 oz. He is getting so big and is starting to smile and make all of the baby noises. And for some reason he has started drueling and making bubbles. lol