Its only 11:30 but I can not seem to make myself lay down. Ray is out with the guys tonight and has not made it home. Am I annoyed by that? Normally no but tonight I am. I think it is just my current mood but I am so frustrated with him.. Lets just call it hormones shall we.
Have you ever had one of those days that you can't seem to make your mind stop working or thinking about a certain subject? I am having one of those days. I sit and I remember when I lived in WV and it was just Nathan and I, and we lived in a little apartment and we did not have much but we were both happy, and I wasn't always stressed out and here is the saddest part, I love being with my son, he didn't get on my nerves, I wasn't short with him and we just had fun, just the two of us. Then we moved to FL and things got harder and then I started feeling stressed all the time, and I was always worried about something, you know like how am I going to pay this bill or what am I going to do with Nathan this summer when daycare is outrageous and the killer was always my son deserves better how am I ever going to support him.
Its funny how we beat ourselves up isn't. Please don't get me wrong, I love my son very much and I love spending time with him, its just seems like when I get stressed out like that I want to just be all alone, I seclude myself and I feel myself shutting down emotionally. I am still there and I smile like nothing is wrong, but I have a blank screen on my side of the picture, I just disappear!
So here we are 5 years later and I find myself thinking I want to be back there, I want to find out how I can be that person again. I don't want to hear mom are you mad at me for something. I want to be someone who is full of life and enjoys herself truly and its not just Michelle putting on an act so everyone will think she is happy and got it together because that is no where close to what I am on the inside. I want to be someone who doesn't stress out about money issues so easily, I want to be the person who loves her kids and wants to do stupid stuff with them and not feel as if it is just one more piece of me being taken away.
I feel like such a horrible person for even voices these things I love my son and I love my husband and I feel like I do not deserve another child, what if I hurt him too? I know that I have hurt Nathan and he knows that something is wrong with me (that I am not happy like I was) and I do not have to even tell him, he sees through the smiles. I should say probably say that I am not always this stressed out and there are alot of times that I truly enjoy spending time with my son; and I am very happy with my husband and we all keep moving forward.
Wow don't I sound like a fruit cake! If you thought that I was a normal sane person before, well now you know the secret is out of the bag, I am a freak in disguise!
LOL... I am sorry for the meltdown, I just needed to get some random thoughts out of my head before I drive myself crazy.
On a funnier note, this is what Nathan told me tonight on the way home from Wal-Mart.
He was telling me about a friend of his whose grandparents spilt up and then all of a sudden his grandpa is gay and has a boyfriend that he lives with. He was very intrigued by all of this and thought it was a little odd but he was Ok with the thought, then he gets real quiet and says in a very serious voice, "mom I sure hope if grandma and grandpa get a divorce that grandpa doesn't turn gay!" I almost choked on my gum. It was so funny, he was so serious. My parents are no where near getting a divorce, they never fight and just the thought of him saying that was too much for me. I truly needed that laugh. I can't wait to call my dad tomorrow and tell him this one.
I'm not sure if I should say thanks for listening or I hope you didn't read this!
Goodnight!
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5 comments:
michelle, it is not horrible that you wrote how you were feeling! and you know what, i dont think it's that you don't love your son or that you dont like spending time with him. it's clear to me that you love him more than anything, and it seems to me you have just been thru so much and worrying about him is natural. of course you want the best for nathan! and especially your new baby on the way! i can say i have felt similar to the way you've felt although we've been through different things, but you just have to take a step back and breathe! you don't have to pretend to be happy. if you aren't happy, then be sad. sometimes it helps to just cry or breakdown or get out what is on your mind, which is exactly why you have a blog! i think you are truly an amazing person and i see that you are so full of life and love, you just need to relax a bit and start to take in all the wonderful and positive things that surround you! life is always full of hardships and troubles, but it's the love that keeps us going, and you definately have a very loving family (from what it sounds like!) hang in there michelle, you will work it all out! maybe you just need one day to relax and sort all your thoughts!
ps: that's a crazy story about the gay grandpa! hahhaa that cracked me up! lol
There's no way that we would ever think you don't love your son. Sometimes we get down and have thoughts that need to be put out, for no other reason than just to get it out. I hope that you're able to find yourself, and that you are able to be happy with everything in your life. Don't be too down on yourself, you're a wonderful mom to Nathan, and you'll be a wonderful mom to the new baby too.
everything will work out the way it is supposed to! If he brought you to it, he will bring you through it! Oh ya, I'm Kayli by the way, I linked to you from Glo's blog! :o]
Let it all out Michelle sometimes I get a way bit emotional too and yep..hormones for sure ekekkeek...
Thanks for sharing your thoughts :D
Hey Sweetie,
I know how your feeling. You love your son so much it hurts,he the light of your life and still will be after the baby is born. I know the blues are hard ,but baby blues are the worst. You need to go back and read and reread all the comments you've gotten.Get back to positive.....Remember you are W.O.M.A.N. Your an amazing,wonderful,caring,strong and beautiful. You have a big heart. God made us this way so we could do the worring, while the guys have time to be little boys again. Ha Ha
Have you ever set down and told your husband your feelings? Maybe he's having some too. New baby and all. The best way to talk (now I know this is going to sound crazy,but it works)you two need to set in the middle of your bed naked,indian style,holding hands ( NO other touching is allowed) and just look each others eyes and talk about your fears,unhappiness,etc...Tell each other everything. This came from the book " Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" I know it works,because we tried it a few yrs back. Hey maybe we need to try it again. They can't get mad a run out of the room........HOOAH!!!
Love Ya Girl.
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