Falling from the Stairway to Heaven
After spending three years in Hawaii, I am often asked what was the most difficult and challenging hike I completed. My response normally entails a narrowing of the eyes, followed by a far off look with my voice becoming extremly grave. On occasion, I've even been told I look like a Vietnam veteran going through some kind of horrendous flashback.
The hike was the "Haiku Stairway," as the locals tend to call it. Everyone else on the face of the planet simply refers to it as the Stairway to Heaven.
On my first attempt, I was unable to finish the hike and it almost killed me.
Interesting factoid, the stairs were featuered in an old episode of the classic Magnum P.I. TV show staring Tom Selleck.
And since so many unusual events took place around the time I first attempted to climb Stairway to Heaven in April of 2005, I think it's only fair to recount the experience using a chronological format:
Thursday 10am-4pm: Waste away at beach
After spending three years in Hawaii, I am often asked what was the most difficult and challenging hike I completed. My response normally entails a narrowing of the eyes, followed by a far off look with my voice becoming extremly grave. On occasion, I've even been told I look like a Vietnam veteran going through some kind of horrendous flashback.
The hike was the "Haiku Stairway," as the locals tend to call it. Everyone else on the face of the planet simply refers to it as the Stairway to Heaven.
On my first attempt, I was unable to finish the hike and it almost killed me.
Interesting factoid, the stairs were featuered in an old episode of the classic Magnum P.I. TV show staring Tom Selleck.
And since so many unusual events took place around the time I first attempted to climb Stairway to Heaven in April of 2005, I think it's only fair to recount the experience using a chronological format:
Thursday 10am-4pm: Waste away at beach
Thursday 5-8pm: Cook salmon dinner for friends in celebration of best friend's fiancé whom has just flown over from Utah. Decide to go hiking at 2am in morning.
Thursday 8-10pm: Quickly finish up senseless internet work. Chew out boss yet again. Contemplate quitting for millionth time since already have two jobs.
Thursday-Friday 10pm-2am: Decide sleeping till 2am would be pointless. Instead play video games on XBox. Hope my friend Ben back in Kansas would be proud. Begin feeling sick with extreme cold symptoms. Gulp down two tablespoons of Dayquil.
Friday 2am-3:30am: Depart for Kaneohe in back of truck -- hillbilly style. Destination: The Stairway to Heaven. 3,922 rickety metal stairs leading up the side of a sheer cliff.
Friday 3:45am: Hop first two fences. Am told by friends hike is technically "illegal." Am told locals hate hikers and endeavor to make life difficult for us. Discover shortly thereafter locals have trucked in a butt-load of bamboo shucks to make jumping tallest fence next to impossible.
Friday 3:48am: Laugh at the local's stupidly. Get to top of fence within 3 minutes in spite of bamboo.
Friday 3:49am: Jump fence only to discover hidden barb wire on the other side. Barb wire tears my favorite hiking pants in two places, makes a huge gash in my kneecap. Say silent prayer hoping chicks really do like guys with scars as I have just added my 5th one.
Friday 3:59am: Assure friends wound isn’t bad given amount of blood lost – feel very fortunate to have had a tetanus shot within last 8 months. Finally get to base of stairs. Begin hike.
Friday 4:15am: Discover hike is a lot like a supercharged version of the Stairmaster -- only this one forces you to go for 1.5 hours before you're done.
Friday 4:25am: Feel sick. Really sick. Nausea sets in. Become really dizzy.
Friday 4:30am: Stop climbing altogether. Hang onto mountain side for dear life.
Friday 4:31am: Begin puking.
Friday 4:36am: Still puking.
Friday 4:42am: You guessed it, puking continues
Friday 4:45am: Friend says that it might be smart if I stopped hiking. I call him an ass and send him on his way.
Friday 4:48am: Stomach settles to the point where I feel safe drinking water. Alone. Desolate on the side of a jagged mountain.
Friday 4:50am: Discover stomach was not as strong as I thought it was. Resume vomiting.
Friday at 5:00am: Other friend comes down off of cliff. Due to his rather unusual Arthurian name, I give him the nickname of the Wizard. The Wizard has done every hike a million times. Has work at 8am. Says he's here to make sure I get down ok. Wants to use my sickness as an excuse to get some sleep in back of truck. I say fine.
Friday at 5:15am: Get completely down the stairs in 15 minutes. Going down is so much easier than up.
Friday at 5:17am: Realize there's no bloody way in hell we're getting over the bamboo/barbwire fence from this side. Begin trek to find alternate route.
Friday at 5:45am: After about 2 miles, find abandoned shack with hole cut in fence behind it. Stumble around in the darkness for another half hour in the woods trying to find way back to civilization.
Friday at 6:15am: Sun rises. The wizard is back in his truck sleeping. I lay down on grass next to sidewalk like crazed homeless man -- pants ripped and all. Locals begin going on jogs/going to work. They pass my mangled, bloody body by and scoff. I make quasi-vulgar comments in response.
Friday at 7:00am: Rest of friends return from hike. Another van full of BYUH dorks pulls up ready to hike. Local woman suddenly storms out of house. Say they have called cops, taken down license plate names and curse at us.
Friday at 7:05am: Drive away from scene like bat out of hell after hearing sirens in the distance.
Friday at 8:30am: Get back to Laie. Girls inform us they require food for breakfast. Best friend tells fiance he'll get her food and for all the girls to go cleanup while the guys go to Ted's Bakery for apple turnovers.
Friday at 8:31 am: Best friend gets several threatening glares from all males present.
Friday at 9:05 am: Arrive at Ted's Bakery next to Sunset Beach. Discover bakery is out of turnovers. Buy apple strudels instead, causing best friend to ask, "What the hell is a strudel?" Many funny remarks follow in response.
Friday at 9:40 am: Get back to girls, give them their strudels. Leave to shower and go into work. Finish off first bottle of Dayquil. Begin second. Pray my stamina lasts.
On a closing note, the moral of the story is you shouldn't hike while sick. If you ever attempt this technically "forbidden" trail it would be most wise of you do do so while in good shape.
If 90 minutes working the stairmaster on a difficult setting kills you, find another hike.
If 90 minutes working the stairmaster on a difficult setting kills you, find another hike.
I do not agree with this man's view on the locals here, I am sure he had the comments coming to him, and he is correct about you not being able to use the stairway, and the fence with the bamboo. The locals aren't trying to keep you out of it, its more of a safety thing... the wooden ladder was first built in December 1943 during World War II the men would run up to the top of the mountain to get a radio signal. it was a top secret antena (I would of hated to have that job). Then in 1955 it was replaced with a steel ladder with a railing, it was then decommissioned two years later and given to the Coast Guard in 1971 and was used for for the Omega Radionavigation System and then was later closed in 1977. When the H3 interstate was built hikers started getting shocked when they would go up the stairs which is why they do not let people on the stairs. (but it doesn't stop them) The gates are apparently guarded 8 hours a day M-F buy trucks who travel the area three times a day. Go figure.
2 comments:
WOW, I can't even imagine trying to climb that thing! The picture is amazing!!
I know for sure I would die if I attempted to climb that thing, lol. Thanks for the laugh!
Post a Comment