Well first I would like to say hello to my husband's friends that have been reading my blog and telling him what I have said.... So to you guys HELLLLLLLO!
I was told that I was telling lies by my husband but when asked he couldn't tell me which ones were lies and just because he tells me that I am only writing this because I want the "pity" I can only say no I do not want your pity I just want to get it off of my chest before I loose my freakin mind.... I kind of thought that was the purpose of an online diary....

I would also like to say that I hope he is reading this one too or at least the friend who is telling him this, and yes I know who you are so hello again, that again I will say that I am not without blame in this situation. I have said it before there are always two sides to every story this just happens to be mine. If Ray would stop lying then maybe you too would be able to hear his.
So please do not get me wrong, I guess like him I do not care about his feelings anymore.
It is truly a sad place to be but, it will pass too I am sure....

I will be around soon but for now I may not be able to get online as much. I am planning my trip back to the mainlands. I will keep you posted. Talk to you soon!



I hope you all have a good holiday...



Man I sound a little bitter don't I!

So many mixed emotions

Have you ever felt like you were loosing your mind? i joke around about it alot but now I really feel like I am.
I would love to say things are better but they aren't. I think it just keeps getting worse. Imagine that can you.

First off there are always two sides to every story and I know that Ray is hurting too or he would not be doin what he is. I do understand that. This just happens to be my side...

I do want to say that I am not trying to put my husband down by any means, but the facts tell it all. He is a good man, and he loves his son in his own way. Sometimes we just make mad choices, but he keeps screwing up. I do not know what to think anymore.
I would like to tell you that I don't love him anymore but I do and I know I shouldn't but I do. He has given me every reason to leave and I stay. Why I do not know. I think I am secretly hoping that he will wake up and see what he has done, he can't honestly be happy with her. I think he's rebeling because of having a child of his own now, means he has to grow up and be a man. In reality I know that it will not happen but I am still hanging around.
Its been a very trying week for me. I started a new job, that I love and then I find out at lunch one day that he doesn't want to try, he wants it to be over and he wants a divorce. Can you imagine how I composed myself at work that day. I was a mess, I just asked the girls to please not talk to me or I was going to bawl like a baby as one single tear dripped down my face. I made it through the day until I got into my car and then I lost it. (As I am now) I did want I thought I would never do in my life and that was I called my dad crying, told him everything and said simply "dad I wanna come home!" With tears in his eyes he said then you come home shell we will help you any way we can. I promised myself that no matter how bad life got that I would not do that and I broke and did it. I have now been handed papers for an Early release of dependents and a divorce packet that he gave me, and I just can't bring myself to do anything with them.
I keep telling myself he will not hurt me anymore, and then I let him do it. Why it surprises me and stings so bad, I do not know, I should be more alert of the fact that it is coming. But it always hits me so hard. Funny how we let ourselves do that. I go a little while without talking to him and him not being at home during the night and I think you know it is not worth trying to save this, and then I see him and he starts talking to me and it is so strained to try and talk to him or he will be getting ready to go back out and do his thing with her and it starts to hurt all over again. I fight back the tears hopefully until he leaves then I brake down there are the times that we start talking like tonight and he keeps asking me why aren't you going out tonight I will take Cale with me to base? That hurts so much more than he knows mainly because all of the girls that I do know are married and get this they like to be around there husbands and he likes to be with her too. It just hurts to much to be around that, I am jealous of them and it just hurts to see someone else so happy. So I end up saying its ok, if you want to take Cale for a while you can but I am fine as I fight back tears.
In my head I am screaming get out and stay out. He has made up his mind he doesn't want me and I have to except that right.
I am trying to let him spend time with Cale before/if we leave so I have started just giving him to his daddy and letting him take care of him until he wants to eat then I get him back. He spent all day Friday with him while I was at work. I think that was really good for him. I know he loves Cale very much even if he doesn't show it and I know he doesn't want to miss out on everything with him even if he isn't around while we are here.
The wedge between Nathan and him is so much worse now. Nathan is just too in tune with what is going on with me. I promise you this I have not told Nate anything about what is going on and he has figured it out. It is so sad, Nathan had so many issues of letting Ray in and when he finally did Ray did what he feared the most. I feel so sorry for Nathan. I understand why Nathan feels like Ray is pushing him to the side and wants nothing to do with him because he is really doing that.
I had a friend ask me to lunch today and she told me how she talked to him last night and he told her he wanted me to stay and that he wanted things to work out. I won't get my hopes up only because his actions speak louder than words. I just don't see it.


The sad thing is all he would have to do is try and I would stay............
But for now Cale and I sit alone at home by ourselves once again. You know what is so ironic.... I say that I do not want him here at the house because it is too hard and hurts too much but as soon as he leaves I want him here with me. I understand that makes no sense but I do.



I would also like to tell you that I took Cale to his 2 month well baby check on Friday and he now weighs 11 lbs. 7 oz. He is getting so big and is starting to smile and make all of the baby noises. And for some reason he has started drueling and making bubbles. lol

I'm just so confused

Hello everyone.. I just wanted to share a few photos of my boys from last night. They are getting so big. But blogger would not let me...


So I will tell you all the new happenings. First thank you all so much for your kind words, I think I cried each time I got a new message.

I don't see my family working out. Ray hasn't been home in the last 3 nights and he came home for Halloween and walked with the boys and a group of the neighbors. He wasn't his normal self with me anymore and I stopped myself from crying in front of everyone at least three times. I makes me so mad how he has the power to hurt me so easily. I'm trying so hard to be nice but it doesn't work. I can be mean and trust me I can say mean and hurtful things but then as soon as it comes out of my mouth I feel guilty for saying it and end up beating myself up for saying it then I apologize to him and he doesn't even deserve it. By the time we got home, one of my friends took Nathan home for me because she new it wasn't going to be pretty and knew about what Ray's been doing to me. She was right. We fought for 2 hours. He started with yelling at me because a freaking cupboard was messy. He blames me for his mess and I'm the one that cleans the house and does his laundry. I took it for a little while then lost it on him and explained to him if he was around and could help me maybe it wouldn't be. He never cooks or cleans or helps out around the house. And so on and so on. I told him that if I was that hard to live with then get me the paperwork to get me off the island and I would leave when his mom left (she is coming to see us for Thanksgiving won't that be fun, yeah right) so she could help me on the flight. He was furious with me for saying that and told me that I shouldn't want to take his son away from him, I said your not around him now so what would be the difference. I told him that I didn't deserve to be treated like sh%t and I was tired of it, all he did was put me down and he couldn't say one nice thing about me and I was over it. He couldn't even admit that he wasn't treating me right and it ended with him taking up for the other female. It got so much worse, and he of course started taking up for her and how unfair it was for her that she got accused of having an affair. How it's hard to be a female in the Marines. Yeah right, they are all spreading their legs anyways(obviously), with other peoples husbands. I told him once again, if it was as innocent as he says then he would of done so many thing different. I explained to him that the fact that he feels like he needs to protect her and not me, his wife said so much about there situation. Since he got into trouble with his command he has been denying anything with her before he denied nothing.
After I thought he could say nothing to me that would hurt any worse than he already has, he found some things. I can't even begin to tell you things he said to me. He tried to "build me up with all the good things about me and ended it with but its just not enough, you don't want to "go anywhere with me" plus more. Trust me I want out of this house, but what am I to do, leave the kids at home alone so I can do them? I do not like leaving my kids with people. He suggested one of his friends watching them, but I don't trust his friends. It is our responsiblity to take care of them not someone else so I can go out. I asked him if he wanted to set up a date night so we could go out together for a few hours, he said that's not the same its too planned out that way. He acts like he is a teenager again. Its so odd to see him act like this. He honestly wasn't like this before. He was the one that always included Nathan in everything we did.


It ended with me saying look you have already made up your mind so there is nothing that I can say to you. You are just keeping me around for Cale and so if maybe you go to Iraq again you will have someone here waiting on you when you get home. His reply was I just do not know what to do I am afraid if we end things then I will regret it and see that I have made the biggest mistake of my life, but then what if its not. I walked away saying Ray what do you want me to say to you, that is just the chance you will have to take. You can't have both you have to choose one that is how it works when your an adult.

I feel so numb and empty, I cried pretty much all night long. I just do not know what to do. Do I go or do I stay? He treats me like sh%t. He has given me no reason to stay and every reason to go but why is it that I stay? Am I trying to just keep getting hurt? This hurts really bad and I can't breathe at times.




Oh on a happier subject I started my new job and I love it!!!!!!!

OK so in life there are normally some things that you do not put out there for everyone to know/read and I am sure that this is one of them but I don't care and I can not take it anymore.

I found out three days after Cale was born that my husband, Ray, is having an affair with one of the female marines in his unit. This female is also trying to be my best friend. She is so fake, but i will play. It is not much fun for me. I went to there command about it, to get them in trouble, and I do believe that it has only made things worse because, they are now spending even more time together even after they got yelled at for two days straight. They of course say they are just friends but there actions speak louder than there words. I know better now.
Ray has pretty much told me that he does not want to be a father, he will sign over all rights of his child to me, he is not ready to settle down and that he likes being with her more because she if fun. She can do all the things that I want to do but can't because hello I have his baby to take care of.

I feel like I am slowly getting killed. I feel so stupid. I never seen it coming. I had no idea. The man that I married is not the man I see now. It is so sad to see how he changed and how fast he did it. He went to the club once with the boys and bang he was back in full swing. He is out at least 3 nights a week his normal routine now is he just doesn't come home at all... The only difference is now I tell him not to come home. I do not want him here. So we are now on day # 2 without him in my house. My only fear is that I am making it easier to let them be together. If I can't have him, neither can she. You know what I realized tonight? I am afraid to go to church because if I do then he will go spend time with her, or if I let him keep Cale then he will take him to her house and they will play family. I know this sounds pathetic but I am driving myself freakin crazy here.

My plan is to get off this island. I am in the process of making sure that can happen and that it can happen fast. I really just can not take it anymore. Even if the two of them are just "friends" I do not want to live like this. My boys deserve better. And I don't want a man like that to be a father to my sons. What I thought was love, was just conveinence for my family.

I was talking to Charla yesterday and she said "you haven't updated your blog in a while" my response was yeah I know its because I am afraid of what I will say.

Well Charla this is what I was afraid of saying.

Praying for a safe trip home

My parents are still here. They are enjoying there stay with the boys. We have done alot of the tourist hot spots so they have enjoyed that. They have been to see the filming site of LOST, Jurrassic Park, and 50 First Dates and Magnum PI (that is an old one) along with Sea Life Adventure Park, Pearl Harbor, Hunamana Bay and Waikii, the zoo, a few Botanical Gardens, the beaches on 3 different bases a luau, and so much more. We are all tired to say the least. LOL


But as far as the drama that was mentioned earlier. Its not much better and it just seems to be getting worse, well at least for me and my family. It has brought about some well... feelings and it is a shame that marriages will end like they are going to. I just do not know how this will work out for us. My husband is a good provider and i love him, but i'm just not sure that will be enough for my family.

I really can not get any more honest with you girls than this. It sucks. It hurts bad, I can't breathe,I feel like a truck has just ran me over and all the while I stand here and my family is falling apart right in front of my parents. Please just please keep us in your prayers please.

Talk to you soon

Family Time

Well the time is finally here, my parents are flying in tomorrow. I am glad to see them and a visit will be nice. Neither one of them have ever flown before so this could prove to be interesting. I tried to keep them out of the major airports so they wouldn't get lost and then I found some really cheap tickets and got them for them instead and after I purchased them I realized that they will be flying to San Fransisco. Holy Cow I hope they make it to there connecting flight. So if I disappear for the next two weeks now that is where I am at.

As for the drama that has unfolded in my life, it could not of happened at a worse time. I was given some really serious information and when I confronted my husband he was not happy, but I brought it straight to him first. Now it has become a he said she said battle and the one who told me is denying the accusations. But all parties involved know I did not pull this out of my behind and set out to try to destroy my marriage so what do you do. I know this I do not see it going away very easy and there will be alot of hurt feelings over it and I am afraid it will be the end of at least 2 friendships here on the island and I am very sad about that. It has just gotten blown way out of the water. I feel like I am in high school again.
I finally told my husband tonight does it really matter anymore? As long as the main people involved have come to terms with it and know what the deal is, does it really matter what everyone else is saying. Then I think I can say this because it isn't my character on the line I guess. What a mess.

Grains for Gratitude

Look I got an award! I am so happy, I am smiling from ear to ear. This is what it says:
the thing that I love most about blogging is that I learn so much about a person just by reading their blog. I have met MANY wonderful people with wonderful stories to tell,and I am grateful every day for each person that I have the pleasure of crossing paths in life with. I wanted to create something special for ten people who have inspired me through their blogging; the stories they tell, and the lives that they lead with grace and dignity. I visit their blogs for inspiration and encouragement. Although there are MANY people I want to give this award to at this very moment, I am going to choose ten bloggers:Please grab your badge and wear it(with a smile) proudly, and pass it on because you inspire and encourage me, thank you. So, now it is my turn to pass it on. "


Ok so I do not know of 10 people that I can send it but I will try.
1. Michelle at Big Blueberry Eyes
2. Morning Glory
3. Shionge
4. Lala
5. Code yellow mom
6. KBug

I know I am sad but I do not know how to put there link on here so this will have to work, if you would like to visit there site go to my side bar.

By the way I tried to put the award in my side bar but it would not fit, so I will be working on that.
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Well this week, you would of thought, would of been great, I have a new born who is healthy and so on but no it has been one of the most trying weeks of my life. So I truly need this.



1. I am grateful for the fact that although I was afraid I was not going to be able to nurse Cale because either a. no milk, or not enough (i have plenty) or b. it just dang hurts to bad. (no one mentions that when they tell you how great it is) but I find out that it is just the opposite my son is two weeks old today and he weighs 8 lbs. He weighed 6 lbs. 7 oz when he was born the little guy has almost gained 2 pounds. So I do have enough milk, and he is just greedy... and all of the soreness has went away. Big sigh there.

2. I have a wonderful son who is so protective of me and his little brother, he does everything for him that he can and does it willingly. I love him even more for this.

3. Again for my new friends on the island who love me enough to tell the truth about a situation even though they know how much it will hurt me to hear. It is never easy to get bad news, or something you think is true but just can't prove it only then to have it confirmed. It may take some time to get past but I will always be grateful for them telling me.

4. For God, because I know I take advantage of his love but He is never failing and is there for me to turn to with open arms when I come running to him with tears in my eyes. He is there to take me and hold me. There is no other feeling like it.

5. For a new hair cut, its funny how just a simple trim can make you feel so much better about yourself.

6. I am grateful for the fact that in 2 weeks I have lost 20 pounds and only have 10 more to loose to get back down to what I weighed when I got pregnant, but I am going for another 20 pounds to get back down to what I would like to weigh.

7. I am grateful that even though my mom and I do not always see I to I and we argue alot, her and my dad are coming to spend the next two weeks with me and they get here on Thursday. I am excited to spend some time with them. They have never flown before so this is huge for them. (My mom has two fears, air planes, and water, she is overcoming both of them to get here.)

8. For my new church, even though I have not been back yet since I have had Cale, I am looking forward to going again.

From the heart

This is the conversation that my oldest son and I just had:

Me: Nathan why are there brownies all over the floor?
Nate: I don't know, its not from me.
Me: Ok then who was eating them then?
Nate: Me.

I bend over to pick up a crumb from his brownie and I get...

Nate: Aren't you glad that you can bend over now?!?!?!?

Speechless

Today Cale is 8 days old. He went to his first doctor's appointment and everything went great! They told me that he now weighs 7 lbs. and 1 oz. I couldn't believe that he has gained that much weight. I kept saying he was a greedy baby and liked to eat and I guess I was right. I just thought it was because he was being breast fed and he wasn't getting enough... I now no longer worry about that! He just likes to eat! She did a full work up on him and said he was doing great and she would normally see him in 2 weeks but since we new what we were doing and he was doing so good she would see him at his 2 month check up and of course if we needed anything to call them and so on....

He is getting so big... I just can't believe it..

Some have asked how Nathan is doing and let me just say he is doing awesome with this. This is how he goes to sleep at night now.


Not to mention that he gets up an hour early for school just so he can hold him... I am not joking. He wakes himself up at 6 am and knocks on my door saying "mommy will you bring him out now I am dressed?" So I get up and go out with him and he sits on the couch and watches TV and holds Cale until it is time to go to school. I love it. I am so very proud of him.

Now I have not had a chance to snap the picture yet but to be honest with you Ray falls asleep the very same way about 20 minutes after I make Nathan go to bed, which is pretty funny if you ask me.

Here is one more picture that I took the other day while Cale was sleeping I just couldn't help but take it, he looked so cute.

He is 5 days old in this picture.

Off to bed I go. I am so tired.

simply put

No baby Yet! He likes his home right where it is at! LOL. I will keep you posted.

Until then....................... have a good weekend

another baby update

So we went to my appointment yesterday and they hooked me up to the NST again, which is the non stress test for the baby. I was left on the machine for like 45 minutes instead of 20 like normal so that took forever. Then they all rushed in and kind of scared me, but it was only because they forgot about me. LOL.. Isn't that nice to know. LOL.... I gave them all a hard time about that. You know how I have been telling you that they have been monitoring my labs really close to make sure that I am not in any distress, well what they look for is a increase in protein, they call it spilling protein. It is usually high when your organs are starting to get into distress well I found out that mine is not too high, but now it is low! LOL How funny is that. Everyone has been freaked out because they were afraid it would be elevated and I would have problems and now I do not have enough... God really has a funny sense of humor doesn't He!

My OB Dr. came in the room and did her exam and I am 2 cm dilated and ready to go, just waiting on my body to do its thing. She told me to make sure my bags are packed (which they are not). She also did not give me a choice on being induced, she said the baby was at least 6 1/2 pounds now and she did not want me to get any bigger so if I have not had this baby by next Wednesday they would induce labor then! I almost freaked out. LOL yes I got scared.

This morning when I woke up I found out just what she meant, I have lost the "plug" that everyone has talked about and well now the contractions are getting alot stronger and I find myself counting them a little more now. I do not know if I will make it through the weekend at this rate, but with baby's you never know.

For now I am off to go make sure Rauy isn't freaking out again. He, I think is getting a little overwhelmed. Its so funny!

Grains of Gratitiude

I keep forgetting to do this on Sunday with everyone else but I guess better late than never! I can't believe another week has went by.

1. So this week I am grateful for the fact that I can be honest with you guys on here and tell you about the drama that happened with my son's school and you did not think he was a freak or worse! So thank you all for that, it meant alot.

2. I am happy that things worked out like they did and all I need to worry about is making sure that the guidance counselor gets that off of his record!

3. I saw something new in my sons eyes this week. A new respect for Ray! He was afraid he was going to get into so much trouble over all of that and when he saw Ray standing up for him and making sure that he was not getting bulldozed, Nathan stood a little closer to him and had so much pride! It was cute!

4. I am now entering into my 37th week of pregnancy without major complications and I am very happy about that. I have the option this Thursday of setting a date of getting induced and I am not sure what to do about it. I am torn. I kind of want both. The convenience of knowing when I will be going into labor and then I want to know what it feels like to go into labor on my own. Ray wants the later of the two, (only because he is scared, LOL)

5. The most important one is that I found a church that I really like!!! I heard about some speakers that will be coming to the island and doing a conference next week and I really like them and thought maybe I should go check out this church since they will be there and it was awesome. The praise and worship was good, which is needed for me, and then the pastor was so real. I really liked it. So did Nathan so yeah!!!!!! My next task is to get Ray to start going to church. He needs some help from God.



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I have an urgent prayer request please!!!


I have a friend who is having to make some very hard decisions about her life. She was called to her kids school today and found out that there step dad has not been so nice to them while she is at work and they are starting an investigation on this matter. She is freaking out and has made her husband leave the house and she does not know what she is going to do!

Completely shocked

Last night my life changed. I got a phone call from Ray yesterday telling me that Nathan got into a little trouble yesterday for smacking his little "girlfriend" on the behind while on the playground. The guidance counselor would like to talk to us about this in a conference the following day. Ok so I kind of blew it off, because seriously come on now they are kids, she was kicking him in the shins (he has bruises to prove it) and he smacked her on her bottom while playing... At 8:45 last night I get a phone call from the guidance counselor. Nathan may possibly be getting kicked out of school, or worse for this sexual harassment case that they have started against him! He is in the 5th grade!!!!! He did this in plain view of everyone on the playground, I hardly doubt he meant any harm considering this.... Needless to say I am freaking out over this.... Anyway the meeting is at 11:00 are time. Please keep us in your prayers today!
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Well the meeting is over and I feel so much better about everything. When we got there the guidance counselor was being such a jerk, it was like he was really out to get Nathan at first, since he knows nothing about my son up until yesterday! The meeting involved just his teacher, the guidance counselor and the principal along with Ray and I.

Once we got in there and started talking to the principal I found out that protocol was not followed, and the guidance counselor did not inform her of the situation immediately and she was not informed until 2 hours before the meeting, strike one for him. So when he started talking about the situation that happened yesterday and he told them all that Nathan lied about doing it at first...I said yes he did because you told him that he could go to jail for touching a little girl on the butt.... he was too scared at that point to say anything. Which is completely against state policy when interviewing a young child. Strike two for him. We then talked about how all of the other students heard one of the little kids tell him to do it and that was addressed as well. (I do not make excuses for him, he did smack her on the bottom which was wrong and he knows that) I then asked them if they knew that the little girl was kicking him in the shins and that they were playing while she and Nathan were doing this. The guidance counselor did know about this but the others in the room did not. Strike three for him. His teacher said "he wouldn't tell me that yesterday because they like each other". I said exactly he did not want to get her into trouble. I was also told that the same little boy that told him to do it was the same little boy who told on him and is the same little kid that likes Nathan's little "girlfriend". Then the principal said so these two were really just playing and meant no harm to each other! She told us that she was really having a hard time understanding this because she could not see Nathan doing this because he was such a good kid and that it made more sense now that it was a completely different story now. He was not being rude or malicious at all.

By the end of the meeting everything was dropped and he would be getting into trouble along with the little girl, for "not keeping there hands to themselves and for hitting" which he did do and I was fine with that. But not the other.
The guidance counselor did put the sexual harassment referral in his electronic chart which he should not of done until after the principal was told and the investigation was completed and when he tried to take it out, he could not and found out that it would be permanently in Nathan's file. Strike four for him..... I was not happy about that at all and made it very clear. It is now his job to get it out of his chart and trust me I will be on top of that situation!!!!!!! I will not leave this island with that crap in Nathan's chart! It will follow him for the rest of his school days..

I was on line last night and it only made me freak out even more about the situation but when Ray read the forms we printed them out and we were ready for a fight if needed. It states clearly that the school must have signs posted in every building about sexual harassment and that they must provide classes to teach small children what the guidelines were. We knew Nathan has never been in any such class and that there weren't any signs at the school either. (We looked on our way in just to make sure, there weren't any in the office either) there were a couple other rules that were not being followed and we did bring those to there attention, since the guidance counselor was being such a jerk and this is one of his roles at the school. If kids at this age are going to be expected to follow these rules then they need to be properly informed about what is Ok in school and what is not.

As a parent I know to teach my child if someone touches them in there privates that this is never Ok. If someone makes comments that make me feel uncomfortable that this is not ok. But did I ever think to tell my son, that it is considered sexual harassment to smack a little girl on the butt while playing. Considering this is an every day occurrence in sports. No I didn't and until yesterday both of these little kids (well his whole class) had no idea that was a problem. To them they were just playing, which is what the kids told the teacher yesterday.

We were told that the principal was now in the process of setting up a class for this, she has plans on separating the boys and the girls so they could talk about this. Apparently this was not the first occurrence of this sorts that they had problems with this last year as well!!! No joke. So instead of addressing it last year they will now.

So there is the end to my stressful day! No huge battle, just a little hump in the road. Count it as a lesson well learned for my son!


Just a little side note, I read the comments about the young boys and the JackA@@ show, I have not found it yet but plan on reading it, but in our local news paper there was an article about how the this state has not been taking sexual harassment very serious and at one of the high school 3 girls were confronted by a boy and they went through the proper channels when each situation happened and nothing happened to the boy. When it finally got through the chain of command, it was addressed for the whole state. Which is why things are like they are at our elementary schools now. I guess the question is where do you actually draw the line?

Grains of Gratititude

1. I am grateful this week that Ray was so thoughtful where my son is concerned. The fishing trip was a flop. Three out of four of them got really sick, they spent most of the day puking off the side of the boat! LOL I will not share the stories that we were told when they got home, but oh my goodness, I have not laughed that hard in such a long time. But then the boat broke, they had a fuel leak. They had to call the coast guard and have someone come and get them. They were on the water for a total of 13 hours and other than the fact that no one could stand up straight without rocking back and forth, they had so much fun. (considering) they were all full of laughter and jokes on Nathan for the days events. They had alot of fun and he is ready to go again. LOL..

2. I love my son and I can not tell you what it does to you when you are in the kitchen and he is in the living room and he yells "MOM, I just want you to know your a good mom and I love you!" then you ask what was that for, and you get " just because, I just wanted you to know that" I hug him, tell him I love him and walk away thinking to myself, I must be doing something right with him!

3. I am forever in debt to the girls that I have become close friends with here. There husband's both work with mine and they decided to have a baby shower for me with all of the guys from work, so they called it a BBQ. LOL... The deal was the guys were told to donate money to one of the female marines in the unit and then the girls would go buy the gifts for them. LOL... The female marine totally dropped the ball and did not do her part. So the girls went anyway and bought everything that we need for the baby themselves and I mean everything. They made sure that all we have to do is go home and have a baby! I didn't know any of this until everyone had left and they told me if I needed to exchange anything to let them know they have all of the receipts but not to tell the boys how much they really spent. When we got in the car and I told Ray what had happened, he was just as touched by the friends that we had in them and did not even see it. It was a very tear jerking moment. Those of you in the military completely understand how important that is.

4. Oh and to the two guys who actually bought us gifts on there own. I loved the gifts. Neither one of them have kids and they are both in there 20's still and they bought us gifts. One got us a baby book that is so adorable, and the other picked out 4 outfits all by himself with no help from a girl! I was told that by them both. I love those guys, there great!

Listening to the birds chirp in the early hours

It is 1000 here and I have been awake since 0430. I bet you are thinking aww she couldn't sleep because she is pregnant. Well no not exactly. Ray and his friends had planned a fishing trip for today on the boat. So that means they wake up before daylight and get ready to leave here. I normally sleep through all of that but no not this morning. I get woke up by my husband and he starts like this:
Him: hey honey what are your plans for the day?
Me: I really do not have any why?
Him: because I am going to take Nathan with me if he will get up.

Uhhhmmmmmm ok. where did that come from? LOL See Nathan has never been out on a "big" fishing trip because we are not so sure how he will do. A. He gets sea sick while sitting in the bay, we have found out, which is not good. B. He still gets a little bored while you sit there and the guys usually stay for at least 6 hours, which is not good when he is bored.

But with that being said he was up out of bed, and in Nathan's room waking him up to see if he wanted to go. We all can imagine that he was. Nathan was up and dressed in less than 10 seconds. I made him a few extra sandwiches so they would all have something to eat. I ask him as he is taking the sandwiches out to the cooler if he was excited, and the smile on his face was just too much, all I got was Yes!!!!! and he ran out the door to get go get in the jeep. I hope he does ok out there with them. So far they have not come back, so that is a good sign.

I have to say that I sometimes worry about how Ray will be with our new addition, you know if he will be involved, be at home with us or will he still be out every weekend with the boys doing something in the water and leave me to do the rest. Then I have to sit back and look at how he is with Nathan. Nathan isn't even his biological son and he tries to involve him in everything that he does, so why wouldn't he be the same way with this one.
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Just a quick update on baby to be. I went to the doctor again on Friday and she things look good as far as the baby goes. They did a growth scan on him and said he weighs about 4 1/2 pounds now and that he over taken my stomach. His head is as far down and it can go and he has stretched himself out so that his feet are touching my sternum. I saw the pictures to prove it. So that explains why I have been in so much pain and had such horrible heart burn. I have been getting sick because of all the acid. The medicine and tums are not working and now I know why. All of my lab work came back fine and there wasn't any protein in my urine this time around so no more worries there since my blood pressure is still normal.
The down side of the appointment was that I got sick on the doctor when she was doing the growth scan. I had just eaten breakfast, she was pushing kind of hard to get the pictures she needed. The more sh pushed the more he pushed back, and then add the room was hot. Yeah well I so got sick everywhere. It kind of scared me, I thought that I was going to pass out on her. It was not good. But what do you do! We then talked about inducing me again and I kind of chickened out and decided that I would like to wait and see if I do this on my own, since I didn't do that with Nathan. She thought that was the best decision as well. But I still have the option again in 3 weeks and I will probably take her up on it at that point. LOL..
I am so miserable with this acid reflux thing. It really hurts. He should come out needing a hair cut if the old saying is true..... "if you have alot of heart burn, it means your kids will have alot of hair."

My first blog award!

I just found out that I received this award! I'm shocked I really do not know what to say other than... Thank you Michelle.....

Now I just have to figure out how to put it in my side bar. LOL..

Grains of Gratitude

1. I am grateful for the fact that I told you that Nathan was adjusting to his new school year only to find out the next day that he had been in school 4 days and had been moved 3 times to try to get him to stop talking... LOL.. Yes I know, what are the odds of that happening. But after being grounded for a week he has changed his attitude and is now part of the JPO at his school... Which is the junior police officer at the school...

2. I am grateful for not freaking out when I went to the doctor on Friday and she told me that I was spilling protein in my urine which means that I am starting to get pre eclampsia. I am far enough along now that I am not too concerned about it. I can always have him early now and he will be ok if my blood pressure or kidneys should start to fail.

3. I am grateful for new friends. Two of the female Sgt.'s in Ray's company along with 2 of the guys wives have planned a baby shower for me. Which will help out so much so we can get all of the little things that are needed for the baby. I think it will be funny to see all the guys at the baby shower too and it may not be a traditional shower but the thought was so nice and greatly appreciated!

4. Again I am thankful for my neighbors here they are all so great. They feed me when Ray is gone out on the boat. LOL.. My next door neighbors are always doing big dinners and if Ray is gone for whatever reason, they always make me come over for dinner or to just hang out with them while he is gone. Then they make me plates for Nathan and Ray. They are great. I love them. They have made moving to the island so much easier, with them being so close, I feel like I have family here.
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Just a little update from us: This weekend was full! All week the guys were here working on the boat, you know since that seems to be the main focus. So by Friday night the girls were tired of the boat. I was exhausted..... So when the did not finish until after midnight, needless to say I was not happy. I had to stay up with the girls since they were at my house and when Ray did come inside.....he got the look!!!! LOL I said my goodbyes and went straight to the shower (don't worry the girls were gone before I got into the shower, I can't be that rude to them it wasn't there fault). I was in bed and asleep before he even came in to take a shower.... So when he came in and tried to talk to me, I was not amused.... All I said is I am not in a race, I will not be second to a boat or his friends, I am tired please let me sleep... LOL... He laughed and kissed me told me he was sorry and he loved me.
I really wasn't mad just really tired.

Saturday the boys got up and was out on the boat by 6 AM. They were only gone for half of the day and they caught only one fish and it was a little one. It weighed 15 pounds. It was called a Po'opa'a I think. LOL.. It is a fish that is only here and the locals love it, I will not lie, I may be wrong about the name of the fish. We put the fish on ice and everyone was so tired that the three of us, took a nice long nap... Needless to say the dinner we were suppose to have was canceled and we made arrangements for that to happen on Sunday.

Sunday rolled around and the other two boys wanted to go out on the boat and Ray turned them down and spent the day with us instead. We had a nice day, we got the rest of the big stuff for the baby and then he spent the rest of the day building me some shelves for my laundry room. We really needed them. Our friends came over that evening and we went to our neighbors (told you I loved them) for dinner. They cooked the fish that the boys caught. It was so good. Everyone had such a good time. I am sorry to tell that you that we were all still very tired and my house hold was in bed and sound asleep by 9 PM.

Pregnancy is like getting your butt kicked from the inside.

Well the title says it all. I am by no means complaining today, it is more so funny to me than anything. I am kicked around today and there is nothing I can do about it. My little bundle of joy has run out of room to play so he is now resorting to kicking my rib cage at every given moment. I really think he is going to crack my ribs. Those of you who have been pregnant can completely understand this. I am having one of those days where the more I move the more contractions I seem to have but when I lay/sit down for a minute to rest he begins to play like there is no tomorrow. I love the feeling of him moving around but dang it hurts today. He has managed to get his foot up under my ribs and he keeps pushing, I push him back and it only gets worse! I have tried to reason with him but he will not move.

I can actually sit here and see his legs roll around, I keep getting a knee that shows itself, not a foot like the picture but the knee. I didn't get to feel all of this with Nathan. He never moved around like this not to mention I had already had him by now.

Enough of the baby moving!!!---------------------------------------------------------


I went to the doctor again on Monday for my scheduled visit. I had to take Gavin, the little boy that I baby sit. He is always so good for me there, mostly because he is scared to death and he will just sit with me and hold on for dear life. NO joke. Do you know how hard it is to get a 18 month old boy sit still for 30 minutes? Not hard if your him, just hook me up to the monitor and let him hear the baby's heartbeat and he will not move. He sat by my side for 20 minutes and did not move once. He was so scared. It was sad and funny all at the same time. No one could believe that he was doing that.. LOL...

but anyhooo the PA that I have been seeing came in my room after 20 minutes of me sitting on the monitors and said that baby looks good and that I am still having some good contractions and if I keep this up I will go early! While we were sitting there talking the baby's heart rate spiked up really high, so she decided to do another stress test on him, now I do not know if you remember but the last time we attempted to do this, he did not respond very fast. Well this time I think he almost jumped out of my skin. The doctor about fell out of her chair laughing because of how much he jumped. Needless to say he was not happy after the test and I got to feel the punishment! But he passed the test!

I go back again on Friday for another appointment to get lab work done and to see if my cervix's is starting to change and I so hope that it is. I want this baby to be here now. I am starting to get really uncomfortable, you know, the can't bend over very easy, the hurts to walk because he is so low, and the I can't breathe thing that happens. yeah they have all set in. Not to mention I waddle. I never did that with Nathan either. My husband likes to point that out that and I am getting big. (He is always very nice about it, he says it with a smile and then kisses me while he rubs my belly, he's not being mean he just thinks it's cute)

As for my boys and how are they handling it.
Nathan is getting excited about being a big brother, we went and bought a scrap book yesterday for the baby and he is so excited about putting it together for him. It is so cute, he is all into getting the right stickers and putting where they belong and making the page look just right! It's so cute to see him doing this.
Ray is getting really nervous about everything, it has definitely hit home that his life is about to change in so many ways. The other night we were in bed talking and out of the blue he says,
Ray: have you packed a bag for you and the baby yet?
Me: uhhhhh no, I haven't even thought about it
Ray: well don't you think we need to do that soon?
Me: not yet we still have some time for that
Ray: but you keep having all of those contractions and they said it could be soon


I then had to explain to him that by soon she means like two weeks or so not like tomorrow. That my contractions may be getting stronger but there is no sequence to them yet and my cervix hasn't changed at all yet. I wish you could of seen the look of relief on his face. He tries to act all strong and like it doesn't bother him but you can see something completely different on his face! So cute!
He has changed so much in all of this, he has went from, it can't be that bad, and there is no way you can be tired to if I get up in the middle of the night, he is sitting up saying are you alright, do you need anything, is everything ok.

Enough rambling. Sorry if you made it through all of that.

Grains of Gratitude

Things that I am grateful this past week:

1. I am thankful for the fact that Nathan finished his first week of school and enjoyed himself very much. He actually has alot of the same kids in his class that he met last year. And I am glad that he thinks that he got the mean teacher. He needs someone to be strict with him or he will wonder off somewhere and not stay focused on the task at hand. LOL...

2. For my new friends here on the island. Ray has 2 guys that he works with and they do alot together which leaves the wives to hang out as well. We all get along so well, and have so much fun together.

3. For my neighbors who seem to take the place of our family being so far away. They take Nathan under there wings and he hangs out with them and plays like he is part of the family.

4. For peace of mind that everything will be fine with this pregnancy and I have nothing to worry about.

5. For a husband and a son who are so willing to help me out when I get tired or just come in and kiss me on the cheek when they see that I have fallen asleep on the couch. I hear them say, "I love you mom" or Ray saying, "get some good sleep, I love you, I got dinner".